I had just gotten back from a weeklong speaking engagement at Peace River Bible Institute and spent
the evening curling with friends. Then came that dreaded night. By two in the
morning my whole family went from curling to hurling. The last time I threw-up
was when I got drunk as a kid. This time it was the flu and everybody in my
family had it. The next day was February 4, 2007, and I was scheduled to preach
for the two morning worship services at Greenfield
Baptist. I didn’t feel well, but thought I could still pull this off. That
was a call I would live to regret. About a minute into my first message the
congregation started swaying in front of me. I nearly passed out and ended up
walking off the platform and quickly driving home to hug my toilet.
The following week my family got better. I didn’t. The headaches and
dizziness remained. On the Thursday of that week I went to a walk-in clinic and
was given some medicine for vertigo. It didn’t help. Sunday came again and I
barely got through my messages and had to sit on a stool while delivering them.
This went on for a few more weeks and my symptoms started to increase. Stomach
cramps, chest pain, racing heartbeat, tingly fingers and my legs and arms going
numb. Then I started having dark and irrational thoughts that scared me. I was
having a difficult time just crossing a bridge or taking my kids on a city bus.
I started to think I might freak out and do something stupid. Something was
wrong and so I booked an appointment with my regular doctor.
When I went to see my doctor I sat before him and started crying. After
listening to me for about ten minutes he told me that I had just exhibited and
described almost all the signs of clinical depression. I also discovered that
the racing heart, tingling limbs and feeling like I was going to pass out were
anxiety-induced panic attacks.
February 4th was obviously not when all this started. February
4th was when the dam holding back all my underlying issues finally
broke. I started taking the anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication prescribed
by my doctor. I started reading everything I could on the subject and I went
for counselling. Eventually, like the time I broke out with acne in Bible
School, I would come to learn how much God was going to use this for my growth.
It is humbling to recognize how dependent upon God we are. All he needs
to do is raise my blood pressure a bit and I’m almost incapacitated. Depression
has caused me to slow down and not take myself so seriously. I started working
on some hobbies. I began exercising. And I began to read novels and not just
big books of theology. Anxiety has helped me deal with some of the garbage in
my life. Through my experience I have discovered how common depression and
anxiety are for many people, and that, when ignored, it can lead to burnout,
moral failure or even suicide. It’s weird. In a strange way depression and
anxiety have become my enemies and my friends.
Leslie Weatherhead
once wrote:
“I
love and prefer the sunny uplands of experience, when health, happiness, and
success abound, but I have learned far more about God, life and myself in the
darkness of fear and failure than I have ever learned in the sunshine. There
are such things as the treasures of darkness. The darkness, thank God, passes.
But what one learns in the darkness, one possesses forever.”
As the following chapters will reveal, I haven’t won the war on this yet,
but I have found that I have become much healthier in the battle than out of
it. I hate it and wish it would go away, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
“My grace is sufficient for you.” (1 Corinthians 12:9).
Discuss: What is something in your life that you struggle with? What
things have you learned from it? What are some of the ways you cope?
Life is full of ups and downs when one has a mixture of choleric (Type A), sanguine (salesman) and melancholy (artsy) in ones personality. My friend concluded, after some thought, that phlegmatic (calm) is the only trait, I did not possess. Lucky for me, she is exactly that.
ReplyDeleteA panic attack happened once, as a young child, when I was home alone. This feeling of panic did not occur again with that intensity, until after the birth of my first child. I felt numb, with my heart racing then, so my MD gave me a sedative. He said to lay down to relax all my muscles and also to breathe into a paper bag to lesson the amount of oxygen inhaled, too.
I remember pulling over to the side of a lonely road, on a grey winter day in Calgary, hyperventilating. I think the flat white snow, merging into the somber sky, triggering that attack. Isolation, especially with no visual distractions, my enemy. I believe it was quite a few years before I was not panicking about overt panicking.😊
The panic is always there, though, even all these years later. I do not exhibit the acute physical symptoms any more, but I am left with a negative, paranoid, obsessive thinking style. A general feeling of tenseness. It is a battle. Even going to sleep is fraught with feelings of panic. I, worrying that I cannot relax enough to do so.😊 Really silly.
It is odd how I can remember to ask God for help in so many areas of my life, but not this. He is faithful to me, so why can I not turn this area over as well. I suppose it is hard to think clearly when you are in this frame of mind.
As I said, it is a battle but with the accountability from my closest friends, distractions from intellectual pursuits like bible study, studying music, writing, etc., and medication, combined with the power of God, I am determined to beat it. I need to because I hate the way it impacts my world and especially hate upsetting my friends' worlds.
Many times I wonder what Paul’s “thorn in the flesh” was, that dark messenger he mentioned.
ReplyDeleteMany times I wondered how many christians are going through life suffering their own thorn in the flesh, concealing it under an “everything is fine “appearance.
If I say I have high cholesterol, people may tell me” Eat less fatty foods” and they will not shy from giving me advice. However if I say “I have a mental illness, I am suffering from depression ; no one really knows what to say and if they are daring, vocal and well intended christians they might tell me to pray more or to take a look at my spiritual life and have more faith.
I understand; mental illness has been such a taboo subject for so many generations that even now, is not easy to talk about it.
I was a young mom and I suffered from depression for almost a decade,
As I was going through it, I didn’t know that I was depressed I thought that grayish type of existence was life.
I was involved in the life of the church, I was raising my daughters and I trusted my Lord.
When I begun to have stomach troubles, (IBS) the doctor prescribed an antidepressant to relax the stomach muscles, much to my surprise my grayish existence begun to have colour.
The doctor investigated further and within that year my depression was under control.
Still, if I get too tired, usually around the end of the school year when I have so much to do, or around Christmas, I might have some gray days, but they are soon gone.
There is no shame and no guilt, God chose to deal with my illness through doctors and medicine. He is the owner of my life; he can break it and put it back together again any way he wants to.
Yes, I had to pray more, but not so God could heal my depression, but because prayer is the language in which I communicate with God. More prayer, more communication, more communication a stronger relationship with my Saviour and who doesn’t need more prayer in their life?
Yes, I had to take a careful look at my spiritual life not so that my “fixing it” could heal my depression but because I tend to be spiritually lazy and often forget to count my blessings and to live victoriously, in the light of my gracious God.
Now faith…well, I wonder how much faith do we need to heal depression, or diabetes or cancer…?
I wonder how much faith the apostle Paul needed to take away his thorn in his flesh?
While I wonder, I am so thankful that God has all things under his control!
Alicia
Stef, this is amazing......I went through the panic attack syndrome as well.....very very long story. Put is down to stress and over load of duties and commitments. So very thankful I had an understanding husband.
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